How to get our (deserved) snow day
By: Kristin Dollar
Issue date: 2/5/10 Section: Diversions
Dear Fellow Students,
As you're all aware, we deserve a snow day. We practically had a blizzard (well, Greenville-style, anyway) last weekend, only God waited to drop the first snowflake at 4 PM on Friday, probably just to spite us. If he'd held out just 48 hours, we would've had one, maybe two, academic-free days to rest our weary heads.
So, to rectify the great injustice of it all, I propose that we unite as a student body to win back the snow days that should have been ours. Here is a rough draft of my master plan:
Plan A: Operation White Oaks at its Whitest
In the dead of night, use a leaf blower to pile fake snow around all doors and windows at White Oaks. In the morning, Dr. Shi will look outside, see that he's completely snowed in and cancel school due to inclement weather (Idea courtesy of Even Stevens).
Plan B: Operation Noxious Fumes
Yankee Candle Company makes a "Patchouli Tea Candle" that, in large quantities, smell, exactly like pesticide. Order several hundred in bulk and light them in the classrooms throughout the night. If it worked in the DH, it should work in Furman Hall.
Plan C: Operation "Bitter Unhappy Women"
Hire a Phyllis Schlafly impersonator to attend a Feminist Initiative meeting. We'd have to wait for the armed forces to get here to put down the riot, and surely the professors would want to join the fight.
Plan D: Operation Drug Wars
Temporarily confiscate all coffee pots around campus - in faculty lounges, the DH, the PDen, offices, etc. I'd like to see my professors try to teach without caffeine.
Plan E: Operation Influenza Breakout
Set a swine herd loose on campus. We'll have such an H1N1 scare that we'll be quarantined in our rooms for weeks.
Plan F: Operation Raising Roofs
Temporarily reform TKE (the party masters) in order to host a Furman-wide frat party on the football field. Invite FUPO - you know they're only hostile because they just want to be invited to the cool kids' parties.
Plan G: Operation Environmental Reform
Explain to the administration that going to class is environmentally unfriendly. After all, the use of paper, computers, electric light, etc. is only wasting energy and valuable resources. We could really Kill-a-watt by doing without.
They took your beach weekend, your scholarships and your ketchup bottle on your table. Don't let them take your snow day too! Stand up for your rights by joining the fight for justice.
As you're all aware, we deserve a snow day. We practically had a blizzard (well, Greenville-style, anyway) last weekend, only God waited to drop the first snowflake at 4 PM on Friday, probably just to spite us. If he'd held out just 48 hours, we would've had one, maybe two, academic-free days to rest our weary heads.
So, to rectify the great injustice of it all, I propose that we unite as a student body to win back the snow days that should have been ours. Here is a rough draft of my master plan:
Plan A: Operation White Oaks at its Whitest
In the dead of night, use a leaf blower to pile fake snow around all doors and windows at White Oaks. In the morning, Dr. Shi will look outside, see that he's completely snowed in and cancel school due to inclement weather (Idea courtesy of Even Stevens).
Plan B: Operation Noxious Fumes
Yankee Candle Company makes a "Patchouli Tea Candle" that, in large quantities, smell, exactly like pesticide. Order several hundred in bulk and light them in the classrooms throughout the night. If it worked in the DH, it should work in Furman Hall.
Plan C: Operation "Bitter Unhappy Women"
Hire a Phyllis Schlafly impersonator to attend a Feminist Initiative meeting. We'd have to wait for the armed forces to get here to put down the riot, and surely the professors would want to join the fight.
Plan D: Operation Drug Wars
Temporarily confiscate all coffee pots around campus - in faculty lounges, the DH, the PDen, offices, etc. I'd like to see my professors try to teach without caffeine.
Plan E: Operation Influenza Breakout
Set a swine herd loose on campus. We'll have such an H1N1 scare that we'll be quarantined in our rooms for weeks.
Plan F: Operation Raising Roofs
Temporarily reform TKE (the party masters) in order to host a Furman-wide frat party on the football field. Invite FUPO - you know they're only hostile because they just want to be invited to the cool kids' parties.
Plan G: Operation Environmental Reform
Explain to the administration that going to class is environmentally unfriendly. After all, the use of paper, computers, electric light, etc. is only wasting energy and valuable resources. We could really Kill-a-watt by doing without.
They took your beach weekend, your scholarships and your ketchup bottle on your table. Don't let them take your snow day too! Stand up for your rights by joining the fight for justice.