What's in a name?
By: Mary Patrick
Issue date: 9/12/08 Section: Diversions
On August 21, Gwen Stefani (a pop artist who likes to spell bananas) birthed a boy. The name of her new, little bundle of joy is Zuma - Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale, to be exact. (Note to the reader: If you have a personal connection to the name Zuma, if your grandfather's name is Zuma, if you have an Uncle Zuma, or if you plan to name your child Zuma, then please stop reading this article and turn to the sports section.)
To me, Zuma Nesta Rock sounds like an energy drink. When someone says, "Zuma Nesta Rock," beverage announcements pop into my head. "Zoom around for hours with Nestlé's new ginseng shot, Zuma Nesta Rock! Now in three intense flavors!" Does little Zuma really want people to think "yeah, ginseng!" when they hear his name?
I suppose that I should not be surprised. Celebrity babies are notorious for unusual names ranging from Nicholas Cage's son Kal-El (yep, like Superman) to Jason Lee's son Pilot Inspektor. After spending time with Gwen and Zuma, Ellen DeGeneres announced that she, too, aims to have children. What baby name does the talk show host fancy? Jumbo Shrimp. Sadly, I am as serious as an F in Dr. Brewer's class. Nevertheless, Jumbo Shrimp would feel right at home in his Los Angeles day care; several Hollywood genealogies resemble my grandmother's grocery list:
1 box of Courtney Cox's (friend of Phoebe, Joey, Ross, Rachel, and Chandler) daughter, Coco
3 cans of Bob Geldof's (founder of Live-aid) child, Peaches
2 bottles of Jamie Oliver's (Food Network Chef) progeny, Poppy Honey (irony, anyone?)
1 sprig of Isaiah Washington's(Dr. McFired for insulting gays), son Thyme
6 of Gwyneth Paltrow's (fell in love with Shakespeare) offspring, Apple
That name gives greater meaning to the phrase "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Suddenly, I crave pie.
Perhaps, I am narrow-minded. Maybe I should think outside the box and not allow my traditional southern upbringing to confine my idea of acceptable names. After all, some people do not understand why one would name his or her son Ashley, but Scarlett O'Hara and I have no qualms naming men Ashley. Therefore, I will try to accept that words such as Ocean (Forest Whitaker's son) and Moon Unit (Frank Zappa's son) are apt human names.
I presume I am a work in progress. Unfortunately, for now, every time someone mentions Tom Cruise's daughter, Suri, I desire to find a pitchfork and sing "with the fringe on top!" Mark Walberg's girlfriend is due this month. He could name his child Seventy-six. Then, I could sing, "trombones led the big parade, with a hundred and ten cornets close at hand. They were followed by rows and …" Well, you get the idea.
To me, Zuma Nesta Rock sounds like an energy drink. When someone says, "Zuma Nesta Rock," beverage announcements pop into my head. "Zoom around for hours with Nestlé's new ginseng shot, Zuma Nesta Rock! Now in three intense flavors!" Does little Zuma really want people to think "yeah, ginseng!" when they hear his name?
I suppose that I should not be surprised. Celebrity babies are notorious for unusual names ranging from Nicholas Cage's son Kal-El (yep, like Superman) to Jason Lee's son Pilot Inspektor. After spending time with Gwen and Zuma, Ellen DeGeneres announced that she, too, aims to have children. What baby name does the talk show host fancy? Jumbo Shrimp. Sadly, I am as serious as an F in Dr. Brewer's class. Nevertheless, Jumbo Shrimp would feel right at home in his Los Angeles day care; several Hollywood genealogies resemble my grandmother's grocery list:
1 box of Courtney Cox's (friend of Phoebe, Joey, Ross, Rachel, and Chandler) daughter, Coco
3 cans of Bob Geldof's (founder of Live-aid) child, Peaches
2 bottles of Jamie Oliver's (Food Network Chef) progeny, Poppy Honey (irony, anyone?)
1 sprig of Isaiah Washington's(Dr. McFired for insulting gays), son Thyme
6 of Gwyneth Paltrow's (fell in love with Shakespeare) offspring, Apple
That name gives greater meaning to the phrase "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Suddenly, I crave pie.
Perhaps, I am narrow-minded. Maybe I should think outside the box and not allow my traditional southern upbringing to confine my idea of acceptable names. After all, some people do not understand why one would name his or her son Ashley, but Scarlett O'Hara and I have no qualms naming men Ashley. Therefore, I will try to accept that words such as Ocean (Forest Whitaker's son) and Moon Unit (Frank Zappa's son) are apt human names.
I presume I am a work in progress. Unfortunately, for now, every time someone mentions Tom Cruise's daughter, Suri, I desire to find a pitchfork and sing "with the fringe on top!" Mark Walberg's girlfriend is due this month. He could name his child Seventy-six. Then, I could sing, "trombones led the big parade, with a hundred and ten cornets close at hand. They were followed by rows and …" Well, you get the idea.